WAR AND PEACE - AND POVERTY
Child Poverty And The "Defence" Budget
by David Cromwell
November 30, 2006-FromZNet
It was the Daily Telegraph, not the 'liberal' Independent or Guardian, that reported accusations last week that Tony Blair is "wasting nearly £7 billion of taxpayers' money on a failing war on terror". (Toby Helm and Brendan Carlin, 'Anger at £7bn cost of war on terror,' Daily Telegraph, November 20, 2006)
Unsurprisingly, the Telegraph was reporting from within the government's propaganda framework of a "war on terror". But the news coverage was welcome given that critical reporting of the immense financial costs to the public of invading and occupying Iraq and Afghanistan has been muted.
The report added that Blair and his Tweedledum/Tweedledee accomplice, Gordon Brown, had proudly "trumpeted special funding" of British taxpayers' money to Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan: a sum totalling £844 million. This funding announcement came just two days after Blair admitted in an Al-Jazeera interview that the 2003 invasion of Iraq had been a "disaster". Perturbed government officials have since back-pedalled frantically, claiming a prime ministerial "slip of the tongue".
The day after the Telegraph story, the Press Association reported that the "special funding" was part of a huge increase in Ministry of Defence expenditure limits: up £1.6 billion for the next financial year. Defence Secretary Des Browne quietly slipped out word of the increase in a written statement: the already massive UK "defence" budget would be raised from £32 billion to £33.6 billion for 2006-07. (Ben Padley, 'MoD seeks extra £1.4bn for Iraq and Afghanistan,' PA, November 21, 2006)
Several days afterwards, media database searches showed no mention, or follow-up, of this PA news story in the British press. The single exception is a comment piece by George Monbiot in today's Guardian. He observes of the huge increase in the military budget:
"No one noticed. Or if they did, no one complained. The government didn't even bother to issue a press release." (Monbiot, 'Only paranoia can justify the world's second biggest military budget,' The Guardian, November 28, 2006)
Also, as researcher Chris Langley explains, even last year's quoted expenditure limit of £32 billion is "misleading." (Langley, personal communication, November 27, 2006). The actual expenditure, including depreciation and cost of capital charges, was £39.8 billion, according to figures produced by the Defence Statistics Agency. (http://www.dasa.mod.uk/natstats/ukds/2006/c1/table11.html)
Punching Above Its Weight - Trampling The Poor
In cash terms, as Monbiot notes, the UK military budget is the second highest in the world (after the US). But then, as we are often reminded by politicians and the media, ours is a country that likes to "punch above its weight" in global affairs. "Defence" is the fourth largest consumer of UK taxpayers' money after social security, health and education. (Chris Langley, 'Soldiers in the Laboratory,' report, 79pp., Scientists for Global Responsibility, January 2005; www.sgr.org.uk/ArmsControl/MilitaryInfluence.html)
The mainstream media rarely question why such a large portion of the country's tax budget is devoted to the military sector. You would be hard pressed to find a discussion about what impact these skewed finances might have on state support for public health services, education and social justice generally. In particular, there is no debate linking the country's huge military budget with the consequences for eradicating child poverty in Britain - an ongoing scandal. Hilary Fisher, director of the campaigning coalition End Child Poverty, notes:
"In a country as rich as Britain it is embarrassing and shocking that children still live in poverty." (www.ecpc.org.uk/index.php?id=4)
The coalition cites some of the ugly realities of child poverty in the UK:
o 400,000 children have inadequate diets. o Around 52,000 families with children became homeless in 2005. o Increasing gas and electricity costs mean three million families are expected to be unable to heat their homes this year. o Children from families of unskilled labourers are 15 times more likely to die from a fire at home.
As one single parent of three children in North London says:
"The worst blow of all is the contempt of your fellow citizens. I and many families live in that contempt." ('Making UK poverty history,' Oxfam GB, BOND, End Child Poverty Coalition and the TUC, October 2005, report, 20pp., www.oxfmagb.org)
In October, End Child Poverty called on Gordon Brown to allocate just £4 billion to wipe out child poverty in Britain. The group warns: "It is clear that current policies and resources will not enable the government to reach its targets."
But one has to turn to the small-circulation Morning Star newspaper to join the dots and point out the obvious. A recent editorial noted that, in March 1999, Tony Blair promised to eradicate child poverty "within a generation," quoting 2020 as a target. (Editorial, 'Sick set of priorities,' Morning Star, November 20, 2006)
In March 2006, the government had been forced to announce that it had failed - by a significant margin - to meet the first target in that project. It had boasted it would reduce the number of children living in poverty by 25 per cent - approximately one million - and missed by 300,000.
The Morning Star editors wrote:
"There are 3.4 million British children still living in poverty because of that failure, roughly a quarter of the population under 16 years old, in a country which boasts the fifth-largest economy in the world."
The editorial pointed to the scandal of Blair calling, in the same month these child poverty statistics were published, for a renewed British nuclear "deterrent". Or, as the paper put it sagely, a replacement for "the irrelevant, ineffectual and unused Trident missile system at an estimated cost of around £25 billion".
But even the mind-boggling figure of £25 billion is likely a gross underestimate of the final cost to the public. A report in the Guardian, based on calculations by the Liberal Democrats, estimates a much higher total figure of £76 billion. This would be the treasure chest required to buy the missiles, replace four nuclear submarines, and maintain the system for its lifetime of 30 years. (John Vidal, Tania Branigan and James Randerson, 'Global warming: Could scrapping these... ...save this?', The Guardian, November 4, 2006)
Dr Stuart Parkinson, Executive Director of Scientists for Global Responsibility, sent us his response to government plans to replace Trident:
"It's extremely disturbing that the government seems willing to take a decision to commission a new nuclear weapons system - whose total costs could be as high as £76 billion - while child poverty still exists in the UK." (Email, November 28, 2006)
Polly's Cameronian Caravan
Sadly, the same directness in challenging establishment priorities was absent from Guardian columnist Polly Toynbee's article last week on poverty. (Toynbee, 'If Cameron can climb on my caravan, anything is possible,' The Guardian, November 22, 2006). Over many years, Toynbee has built a reputation in the mainstream as a social democrat who champions the cause of poverty reduction.
"For the Tories to admit that ignoring relative poverty was a terrible mistake represents a real breakthrough," her article declared.
And - another Toynbee gem - Tory leader David Cameron "makes it easier for Labour to be bold on poverty, to hit that target of abolishing child poverty by 2020".
This was a trivial analysis. Toynbee thus gave credit to Tory leader David Cameron for his wretched PR attempt to hijack the poverty issue. There was no mention of the corporate-dominated policies supported by his party, and pursued by the state no matter which party rules, to the detriment of social justice - including any realistic hopes of abolishing child poverty. As radical historian Mark Curtis has written:
"Addressing poverty eradication without tackling big business is a bit like addressing malaria without mentioning mosquitoes." (Curtis, 'Web of Deceit,' Vintage, 2003, p.217)
We wrote to Toynbee as follows:
"There's no mention in your article of skewed government spending priorities such as its overblown 'defence' budget; and, specifically, whether the state should be paying billions for the invasion-occupation of Iraq.
"Or, looking to Richard Norton-Taylor's column immediately to the right of yours ['Beware Trident-Lite'], whether paying for a grossly expensive updated nuclear 'deterrent' is a responsible use of public revenue.
"Why did you not consider these issues of relevance in your piece on poverty today?" (Email, November 22, 2006)
In reply, we received an interesting permutation of the standard "lack of space" canard:
"Well, you can't put everything into one column! Or you'd always write the same one..." (Email, November 23, 2006)
Such a response would make sense if Toynbee had repeatedly examined the link between exorbitant military spending - the Trident replacement, in particular - and the lack of progress on eradicating child poverty. But, in the last twelve months, she has only twice hinted at a possible link. This is an unimpressive performance from someone lauded in the mainstream for her commitment to exposing poverty and social injustice. And so her answer enters the lexicon of liberal evasions.
We also wrote to Andrew Grice, political editor of the Independent, in response to his weekly column on the same topic. ('The week in politics: Beckham, Toynbee and the Tory view of poverty,' The Independent, November 24, 2006):
"You referred to: 'the root causes of deep poverty, such as alcohol and drug problems, and poor education and housing.' Why is there no mention in your article of the state's skewed priorities in spending taxpayers' money; in particular, the huge sums spent on 'defence'?
"As you are likely aware, Tony Blair faced accusations last week 'that he was wasting nearly £7 billion of taxpayers' money on a failing war on terror.'
"Moreover, Defence Secretary Des Browne has just announced an increase in the annual UK military budget from £32 billion to £33.6 billion for 2006-07.
"And then there is the proposed replacement for Trident, at a cost of £25 billion or more. Indeed, calculations that account for buying new missiles, replacing four nuclear submarines, and maintaining the system for 30 years, suggest a much higher total figure of £76 billion.
"Why did you consider all of this irrelevant to your column this week?" (Email, November 24, 2006)
We have received no response at time of writing.
Concluding Remark
Corporate reporters and commentators have mastered the art of not making painful connections; painful for powerful interests, that is. Thus, shameful child poverty and a massive military budget belong in separate compartments of mainstream thought. Woe betide anyone who should look at one, and then the other, and wonder aloud whether state policy is, in fact, insane.
It is as though the state were hard-wired to *exclude* rationality; indeed, to exclude compassion.
Chogyam Trungpa once noted that "compassion is the ultimate attitude of wealth: an anti-poverty attitude, a war on want. It contains all sorts of heroic, juicy, positive, visionary, expansive qualities". (Trungpa, 'Cutting through spiritual materialism', Shambhala, 2002, p. 99)
At root, we need to question whether the state can, in any meaningful way, act with rationality and compassion. And, if not, what we are going to do about it.
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Thursday, November 30, 2006
Some Peace Quotes
"It is not necessary that whilst I live I live happily; but it is
necessary that so long as I live I should live honourably.": Immanuel Kant
(1724-1804) German philosopher
=
"A man does what he must -- in spite of personal consequences, in spite
of obstacles and dangers -- and this is the basis of all human
morality.": John F. Kennedy - (1917-1963) 35th US President
=
"If everyone were clothed with integrity, if every heart were just,
frank, kindly, the other virtues would be well-nigh useless, since their
chief purpose is to make us bear with patience the injustice of our
fellows.": Molière - [Jean-Baptiste Poquelin] (1622-1673) French playwright
=
"Man's character is his fate.": Heraclitus - (c.540-480 BC) Greek
philosopher
necessary that so long as I live I should live honourably.": Immanuel Kant
(1724-1804) German philosopher
=
"A man does what he must -- in spite of personal consequences, in spite
of obstacles and dangers -- and this is the basis of all human
morality.": John F. Kennedy - (1917-1963) 35th US President
=
"If everyone were clothed with integrity, if every heart were just,
frank, kindly, the other virtues would be well-nigh useless, since their
chief purpose is to make us bear with patience the injustice of our
fellows.": Molière - [Jean-Baptiste Poquelin] (1622-1673) French playwright
=
"Man's character is his fate.": Heraclitus - (c.540-480 BC) Greek
philosopher
Emotional Awareness
Note There is an academic test called the "The Levels of Emotional Awareness Scale" which measures a person's ability to express their emotions and is unrelated to my ideas on the various levels of emotional awareness.
Definition
Emotional awareness means knowing when feelings are present in ourselves and others.
It is closely related to emotional literacy, which means being able to label feelings with specific feeling words. At its highest level it means being able to predict feelings in advance.
Levels of Emotional Awareness
This model deals mainly with levels of self-awareness. There are also levels of awareness of the feelings of other people.
Knowing the feeling is present
The first level of emotional awareness is knowing when feelings are present in ourselves. We become "aware" of the feeling when we first think about it or realize we feel something at that moment.
Example: We might be feeling impatient and start to tap our fingers. But at first we are not aware either that we are tapping our fingers or of our feeling. Then we might notice we are tapping our fingers and we might also realize we are feeling impatient. We might also be saying to ourselves, "I can't believe how long this is taking." Then we might realize we are feeling judgmental by judging how long it "should" take.
Another example: You are in a room. Another person enters. At first you don't see them, but maybe you realize there is a new noise. You turn and then you see the person and become aware they are in the room.
Acknowledging the feeling
To continue the example of the person in the room with you. After you have become aware there is someone in the room, you might acknowledge that person by waving or saying hello.
We may not know exactly what the feeling is, but if we notice and acknowledge that we have some feeling, we have taken the next step.
Nature has given us a sophisticated guidance system in our feelings. Our negative feelings, for example, call our attention to things which are not healthy for us. They tell us when we are out of balance. If we feel lonely, for example, we need more connection with other people.
The literature on emotional intelligence points out that our feelings direct us to what is important to think about. Through thought, our feelings can point us to the to the causes of our negative feelings and to possible solutions. But if we fail to acknowledge our negative feelings, we won't be able to focus our attention on the problem that needs to be solved. For nature's inner guidance system to function we must acknowledge our feelings.
Many people try to stop themselves from feeling their negative emotions. They may use drugs and alcohol. They may use entertainment and distraction. They may also try to simply deny the existence of their negative feelings. Even education, memorization, intellectual or religious pursuits can serve to stop us from acknowledging our feelings. All of this defeats nature's purpose in supplying us with negative feelings.
Identifying the feeling
Still continuing the example of the person in the room, a further acknowledgement of the person could be to greet the person by name. In a similar way we can identify and name our feelings once we realize we have them.
The more specific we are in identifying our feelings, the more accurate we can be in identifying the unmet emotional need and taking appropriate corrective action. (See emotions page) In particular with anger, it helps to identify the more specific or more primary feelings. Even with our positive feelings it helps to identify them specifically so we can use this information to help us create happier lives.
Like anything else, the more we practice identifying emotions, the better we get at quickly selecting the correct name for the feeling. Each time we identify an emotion and assign a label to it, the brain's cognitive and emotional systems work together to remember the emotion, the circumstances and the label for the emotion.I read once that just the simple act of naming a feeling helps us feel better, and I have often found this to be true. Evidently this happens for several reasons. First, we have a natural fear of the unknown. When we label our feeling, we move it from the unknown to the known and thus we help make it less scary and more manageable.
Second, when we label it, we are using a different part of the brain than where we feel the feeling. I suspect that we are actually diffusing and moving the chemicals from their concentration in the emotional section to the cognitive section where the pain is not felt as much.
Finally, by beginning to think about our feeling, we are also taking the next step towards solving our problem. When our thoughts are clear, this helps us feel more in control and empowered.
Accepting the feeling
Going back to the person in the room, after we have greeted him by name, we can help him feel accepted. Simlarly, once we have felt, acknowledged and identified our feelings, the next step in emotional awareness and in benefitting from the natural value of our emotions is to accept the feeling.
Sometimes we might think that we shouldn't feel the way we do. Such thoughts are the result of beliefs which have been programmed into us by others. One of the primary benefits of a highly developed emotional intelligence, though, may be that it helps us become more independent from the opinions and beliefs of others. Instead of listening to others' voices, we are able to put more value on our inner voice, a voice which speaks to us through our individual emotions.
There are several benefits to fully accepting our feelings.
First, our feelings are a major part of us. Accepting our feelings is therefore a major part of self-acceptance. This does not mean we wish to stay as we are, but I agree with those who say it is easier to make positive changes in our lives if we first accept that we are how we are at the present moment.
Second, accepting our feelings takes less energy than trying to deny or suppress them.
Third, accepting our feelings sometimes helps prevent them from recurring over and over.
Finally, when we have fully accepted our feelings we can shift our energy to productive thoughts or actions.
Reflecting on the feeling
Reflecting on our feelings actually could come at two different levels of emotional awareness.
First, at a low level of emotional awareness we might only reflect on our feelings after the fact. We might lay awake at night, for example, and think about an event during the day and our feelings about that event. This might help lead us to identifying our feelings sooner in the future.
I believe, though, that when our emotional intelligence is highly developed, the process of feeling our feelings and identifying them takes place quickly enough for us to reflect on the feeling nearly instantaneously or in "real time."
The sooner we can accurately identify the feeling and reflect on it, the sooner we can take actions which are in our best interest. (related stories)
Forecasting feelings
The more aware of our feelings, the better chance we have of predicting how we will feel in the future. This can be thought of as forecasting our feelings.
We can improve this ability by considering how we will feel if we choose one course of action as opposed to another. The value of this ability can not be overstated. Only when we can predict our feelings can we make decisions which will lead to our long term happiness. Consider these statements:
I know I am going to regret this.I know I will feel guilty if I do this.
versus
It's going to feel so good to...I know I will feel better if I ...
In the first case, our prediction of negative feelings is trying to help us avoid something. In the second case, our prediction of positive feelings helps motivate us. We simply make better decisions when we listen to our inner messages, in other words, our feelings.
The ability to forecast feelings extends to other people as well. In other words, when we are more aware of our own feelings and develop a greater ability to forecast our own feelings, it is more likely we will be able to forecast how someone else will feel. This naturally leads to being more considerate of others. Simply put, as we get in touch with our own feelings we realize that what doesn't feel good to us probably won't feel good to others.
Note about EI tests and forecasting feelings
Additional Notes
Emotional Awareness and Happiness
I believe emotional awareness is a key to leading a happier and more fulfilling life. To really "know oneself," as the Greek philosophers urged us to do, requires that we know how we feel in all of life's many situations. When we know how we feel we know what we enjoy doing and who we enjoy doing it with. We know who we feel safe with, who we feel accepted by and understood by.
Though we might be able to lead a productive life, even a "successful" life -- if one defines success by the level of status, education, or material worth -- it is unlikely we will actually ever be happy unless we are very aware of our specific feelings. In fact, it is quite possible to be successful and miserable, as I have written about with respect to my own life. It is easy to accept without question other people's definition of success and happiness. But when we become more aware of our own true and unique feelings we are more likely to find our own individual happiness. This may be the essence of using our emotional intelligence.
Emotional Awareness, Sensitivity and Numbing
If we are emotionally sensitive we will feel things sooner than others will. If we have no emotional sensitivity, or we have numbed ourselves from our feelings we won't have any emotional awareness at all. Sensitive people living in abusive environments and insensitive cultures learn ways to numb themselves from their feelings because so many of their feelings are painful.
Emotional Awareness and the Academic Model of Emotional Intelligence
In my adaptation of the academic model of emotional intelligence I place emotional awareness under the first branch of their framework. This first branch is emotional identification, perception and expression. Increasing your awareness of your own feelings is perhaps the first step towards furthering the development of your EI.
Note on the Mayer et al definition and on testing
I believe the ability to forecast our feelings is probably a legitimate part of emotional intelligence, but Mayer et al have not addressed this as yet. I am not certain how you would test this with a paper and pencil test, but not all aspects of emotional intelligence are suitable for such tests. As Mayer et al acknowledge there is more to emotional intelligence than can be tested. Though they don't stress this in their writing, they do say effectively the same thing when they say that "aspects of" emotional intelligence can be tested. This clearly implies that they leave open the possibility that there are also aspects of it which can never be tested in a formal, controlled fashion.
Raising awareness of, and Identifying feelings - The example of "You won't hear from me again."
To raise awareness of feelings, it helps to ask two questions when someone says something:
1) How is that person feeling?
2) How did they want the other person to feel?
Here is an exercise for practice, based on a true story in my life:
You Won't Hear From Me Again
A few days ago I wrote something in one of my online journals. I was feeling very resentful towards one particular person. I felt judged by her, disapproved of, betrayed, commanded, lectured to, misunderstood, misrepresented, lied about, persecuted, labeled, categorized, unappreciated and probably a few more things. I didn't say that so specifically though. I didn't use many feeling words. I wasn't educated or trained well enough to do that as I was growing up. In fact, I was never taught or trained at all in how to express my feelings with feeling words. I have had to teach, and try to train myself. More than that, I have had to unlearn what I was taught and conditioned to do. So at the time I was writing, I just let whatever thoughts I had flow out thru my fingertips.
The words were pretty harsh, and sometimes deliberately hurtful. Actually, though, my feelings didn't have much to do with the person I was writing about. The feelings and the words came from years and years of the pain from similar feelings. Her words just lit a fuse, but the bomb was full of negative feelings from thousands of other experiences.
Then she read what I had written and left me a note. She said, "Whatever. You won't hear from me anymore."
So now I wonder: "How did this person want me to feel?" And, "How was this person feeling?"
I have some ideas, but I am curious to know what you think. So please, send me your thoughts. Even though I felt resentful towards her I still want to help her learn about expressing feelings and about self-awareness of feelings. I'd like to help this person learn some things which they don't teach in school. I would also like to help others learn. And of course, perhaps most importantly, I would like to learn myself. I will probably post some of your responses. Let me know if you do or don't want your name to be used. Thanks.
S. HeinDec. 28, 2003HatYai,Thailand
I imagine that the person saying that felt frustrated, hurt, angry, resentful, cruel, unloved, unwanted, insulted, violated, powerless, afraid, attacked, judged, abandoned, unsafe, misunderstood, betrayed, and alone.
I imagine that that person wanted the other person to feel hurt, inferior, alone, imprisoned, abandoned, insignificant, unloved, uncared for, replaceable, dispensable, unneeded, unimportant, confused, disliked, angry, inessential, minor and useless.
Awareness, Consciousness, Power and Control
Today I had what I believe is an important insight. I realized that the person who is more aware of feelings is more in control. (Psychologically, at least.)
I came to this insight when I started thinking about a teacher at one of the schools I have been visiting fairly regularly. The last time I saw her she asked me: "Do you remember my name?"
I was not very aware of my feelings at that point, nor was I consciously aware of her feelings. I sensed that she felt hurt because I was not giving her much attention. I sensed she wanted me to feel guilty if I had forgotten her name, or even if it took me a while to remember it.
I could hear the hurt in her voice. She felt left out. I had been talking to others around her and neglecting her. She needed more attention. She is the head of a department at her school, which is probably an indication she has many unmet emotional needs. People with unmet emotional needs often seem to rise to positions of authority in an attempt to fill these needs. Actually, this person probably wanted me to feel guilty even if I had remembered her name quickly. She probably wanted me to feel guilty as soon as she asked the question, because it was her way of saying, "You are not spending enough time with me or showing me enough 'respect'."
As I reflected on the situation I regretted not saying "How would you feel if I said yes and how would you feel if I said no." Or perhaps I could have said, "How are you feeling right now?" Or, "Are you feeling a little forgotten and neglected?" I suspect she was also feeling a little envious that I was spending time talking to others in her department. Others were also inviting me to come speak to their classes and she might have felt something like jealousy. There were other signs of her feelings, such as once she said, "Sit down and talk to us." But I think she really meant, "Sit down and give me some attention and help me feel important." I suspect that having the title of head of department she expected people to show her more "respect." But I don't like to show false respect to someone just because of their position, clothes, wealth, etc.
I had a sense of how she was feeling and how she wanted me to feel when she asked the question. She wanted me to feel guilty because I had been neglecting her, in her eyes. And perhaps she felt used because she was the first person who invited me to speak to her class and I had not spent much time talking to her since then. Maybe she felt a little possessive of me in the sense that because she met me first she somehow "owned" me.
But even though I had a sense of all of this, I was not consciously aware of all of it. My feelings and my awareness of her feelings affected my response but not on a conscious level. I felt afraid of not knowing the correct answer. But I didn't say that. I simply answered her question after I thought about it for what was surely "too long." And I did not say it with confidence. It was a complicated Thai name, or at least complicated for me. As it turns out I pronounced it okay, and felt some relief when she said "Yes." But whether I answered correctly or not was not the main issue. The main issue were the feelings involved. The way she said yes, also told me she still wanted me to feel guilty and to be more careful to pay her more attention in the future. She didn't not say it with a tone of happiness that I remembered it. I felt intimidated by her, which I expect is also how she wanted me to feel, though chances are she would never admit this and probably would not even be able to understand it herself. To her it is simply a way that she has learned to try to get her needs met. But because it is so indirect, manipulative and power based, it is actually counter productive in the long run because people who have a choice will not spend time with her voluntarily.
Had I been more consciously aware of my own feelings, of her feelings and of her motives for asking me the question, I could have been much more in control of the situation. As it was, I was basically reduced to the level of one of her students, having to face a question with a "right" or "wrong" answer and then to be rewarded or punished accordingly. But even if I had the "right" answer, I was still being emotionally manipulated because the question itself was intended to do much more than gather factual information about my memory. The question was intended to remind me that she was an authority figure and that she needed more attention than I was giving her. And she wanted me to feel small in comparison to her.
By asking this question, she took a position of authority. The person who asks the questions is usually the one with the power in a relationship. It is like a lawyer or a judge. The "witness" is not allowed to ask questions. And they are forced to answer, unless they happen to live in a country where they have the "right" to remain silent. But in most authority based relationships, a person does not have the "right" to remain silent. The authority figure demands an answer or punishes the person if an answer is not provided. The person is also punished if the "correct" or desired answer is not provided.
The person who asked me this question is more emotionally needy than I am. Therefore, I could have helped fill her emotional needs by addressing them more directly. What took place was all very subtle and indirect. When things are subtle and indirect it is hard to take firm control of them because it is not very clear what is going on. I have noticed that insecure people often tend to be very indirect. They are afraid to express their feelings directly, so they say things like, "Do you remember my name?"
But had I been more consciously aware of my feelings and of her feelings and corresponding unmet emotional needs, I could have had much more control of the situation. I would not have had to leave the situation feeling small, guilty and manipulated. Because I am often more aware of feelings than other people I talk to, I can sometimes rise above the details of the situation and address the feelings. Depending on my own level of unmet emotional needs I can use this ability in different ways. If I am feeling emotionally needy I might need to feel superior to the other person by proving to them that I know more about feelings, even their feelings, than they do. This doesn't make me many friends, though!
But if I am feeling relatively emotionally satisfied, I am more likely to be able to help the other person with unmet emotional needs. To me, it is sad and discouraging that a department head would be so emotionally needy, but I am sure that you know many similar people in positions of authority.
It is very tricky to address feelings directly with these kinds of people. For example, the other day I was talking to a teenager whose mother was calling him and telling him to come home. I suggested he ask her if she was feeling afraid that something bad would happen to him if he stayed out past 8:30 at night. And I suggested he ask her how afraid she felt from 0-10. He laughed and said, "I don't think she would like that. She would probably think I was 'talking back' to her." And, sadly, he is probably right. She would feel threatened precisely because his questions would give him more control and she is afraid of losing control. So these things must be handled very carefully when you are around certain people. You can't come across as "cocky" because they will punish you in one way or another. I am fortunate that I have my freedom so I can just leave and not be around people like this, but if you don't have that freedom, or you have not yet given yourself that freedom, then I might just suggest you try to be aware of feelings but not necessarily address them so directly.
A person who is very aware and can process emotional information very quickly might say something like, "It sounds like you want me to feel guilty because you feel neglected and forgotten." But it might be better if they said this silently to themselves rather than out loud!
Saying this to yourself still has a definite benefit. By identifying the feelings and the motives of the other person, you feel more in control of the situation. You feel more in control because you have more information about it and you understand it better. So you are not as easily manipulated and you are not as likely to just respond in the way that you were conditioned to respond by teachers like this when you were young. By being aware of what is happening you give yourself more options. You might realize you don't have to answer the question at all.
Most of my life I have been very naive, trusting, and honest. And I have been fairly obedient until someone starts to abuse their power. If someone asks me a question, I usually just answer it without analyzing it. But I have learned that people like this teacher will abuse their power, so I must become more aware of what is happening. I must be more aware of how I am feeling so I can protect myself. I could also have said, "I am afraid to answer that question!" This would have been very emotionally honest. Most likely she would have said something invalidating like, "You shouldn't be afraid. There is nothing to be afraid of. I won't hurt you." Then if I were feeling very confident and secure I might say in response, "Well, I am still afraid!" It would probably be counter productive to tell a person like this "I feel invalidated." Even if she knew what that meant, it would probably just make her feel more defensive. It would be a self-protective mechanism on my part, but it would not be a relationship building response.
So those are a few of my thoughts on awareness, consciousness, power and control.
S. HeinJan 13, 2004HatYai, Thailand
Note There is an academic test called the "The Levels of Emotional Awareness Scale" which measures a person's ability to express their emotions and is unrelated to my ideas on the various levels of emotional awareness.
Definition
Emotional awareness means knowing when feelings are present in ourselves and others.
It is closely related to emotional literacy, which means being able to label feelings with specific feeling words. At its highest level it means being able to predict feelings in advance.
Levels of Emotional Awareness
This model deals mainly with levels of self-awareness. There are also levels of awareness of the feelings of other people.
Knowing the feeling is present
The first level of emotional awareness is knowing when feelings are present in ourselves. We become "aware" of the feeling when we first think about it or realize we feel something at that moment.
Example: We might be feeling impatient and start to tap our fingers. But at first we are not aware either that we are tapping our fingers or of our feeling. Then we might notice we are tapping our fingers and we might also realize we are feeling impatient. We might also be saying to ourselves, "I can't believe how long this is taking." Then we might realize we are feeling judgmental by judging how long it "should" take.
Another example: You are in a room. Another person enters. At first you don't see them, but maybe you realize there is a new noise. You turn and then you see the person and become aware they are in the room.
Acknowledging the feeling
To continue the example of the person in the room with you. After you have become aware there is someone in the room, you might acknowledge that person by waving or saying hello.
We may not know exactly what the feeling is, but if we notice and acknowledge that we have some feeling, we have taken the next step.
Nature has given us a sophisticated guidance system in our feelings. Our negative feelings, for example, call our attention to things which are not healthy for us. They tell us when we are out of balance. If we feel lonely, for example, we need more connection with other people.
The literature on emotional intelligence points out that our feelings direct us to what is important to think about. Through thought, our feelings can point us to the to the causes of our negative feelings and to possible solutions. But if we fail to acknowledge our negative feelings, we won't be able to focus our attention on the problem that needs to be solved. For nature's inner guidance system to function we must acknowledge our feelings.
Many people try to stop themselves from feeling their negative emotions. They may use drugs and alcohol. They may use entertainment and distraction. They may also try to simply deny the existence of their negative feelings. Even education, memorization, intellectual or religious pursuits can serve to stop us from acknowledging our feelings. All of this defeats nature's purpose in supplying us with negative feelings.
Identifying the feeling
Still continuing the example of the person in the room, a further acknowledgement of the person could be to greet the person by name. In a similar way we can identify and name our feelings once we realize we have them.
The more specific we are in identifying our feelings, the more accurate we can be in identifying the unmet emotional need and taking appropriate corrective action. (See emotions page) In particular with anger, it helps to identify the more specific or more primary feelings. Even with our positive feelings it helps to identify them specifically so we can use this information to help us create happier lives.
Like anything else, the more we practice identifying emotions, the better we get at quickly selecting the correct name for the feeling. Each time we identify an emotion and assign a label to it, the brain's cognitive and emotional systems work together to remember the emotion, the circumstances and the label for the emotion.I read once that just the simple act of naming a feeling helps us feel better, and I have often found this to be true. Evidently this happens for several reasons. First, we have a natural fear of the unknown. When we label our feeling, we move it from the unknown to the known and thus we help make it less scary and more manageable.
Second, when we label it, we are using a different part of the brain than where we feel the feeling. I suspect that we are actually diffusing and moving the chemicals from their concentration in the emotional section to the cognitive section where the pain is not felt as much.
Finally, by beginning to think about our feeling, we are also taking the next step towards solving our problem. When our thoughts are clear, this helps us feel more in control and empowered.
Accepting the feeling
Going back to the person in the room, after we have greeted him by name, we can help him feel accepted. Simlarly, once we have felt, acknowledged and identified our feelings, the next step in emotional awareness and in benefitting from the natural value of our emotions is to accept the feeling.
Sometimes we might think that we shouldn't feel the way we do. Such thoughts are the result of beliefs which have been programmed into us by others. One of the primary benefits of a highly developed emotional intelligence, though, may be that it helps us become more independent from the opinions and beliefs of others. Instead of listening to others' voices, we are able to put more value on our inner voice, a voice which speaks to us through our individual emotions.
There are several benefits to fully accepting our feelings.
First, our feelings are a major part of us. Accepting our feelings is therefore a major part of self-acceptance. This does not mean we wish to stay as we are, but I agree with those who say it is easier to make positive changes in our lives if we first accept that we are how we are at the present moment.
Second, accepting our feelings takes less energy than trying to deny or suppress them.
Third, accepting our feelings sometimes helps prevent them from recurring over and over.
Finally, when we have fully accepted our feelings we can shift our energy to productive thoughts or actions.
Reflecting on the feeling
Reflecting on our feelings actually could come at two different levels of emotional awareness.
First, at a low level of emotional awareness we might only reflect on our feelings after the fact. We might lay awake at night, for example, and think about an event during the day and our feelings about that event. This might help lead us to identifying our feelings sooner in the future.
I believe, though, that when our emotional intelligence is highly developed, the process of feeling our feelings and identifying them takes place quickly enough for us to reflect on the feeling nearly instantaneously or in "real time."
The sooner we can accurately identify the feeling and reflect on it, the sooner we can take actions which are in our best interest. (related stories)
Forecasting feelings
The more aware of our feelings, the better chance we have of predicting how we will feel in the future. This can be thought of as forecasting our feelings.
We can improve this ability by considering how we will feel if we choose one course of action as opposed to another. The value of this ability can not be overstated. Only when we can predict our feelings can we make decisions which will lead to our long term happiness. Consider these statements:
I know I am going to regret this.I know I will feel guilty if I do this.
versus
It's going to feel so good to...I know I will feel better if I ...
In the first case, our prediction of negative feelings is trying to help us avoid something. In the second case, our prediction of positive feelings helps motivate us. We simply make better decisions when we listen to our inner messages, in other words, our feelings.
The ability to forecast feelings extends to other people as well. In other words, when we are more aware of our own feelings and develop a greater ability to forecast our own feelings, it is more likely we will be able to forecast how someone else will feel. This naturally leads to being more considerate of others. Simply put, as we get in touch with our own feelings we realize that what doesn't feel good to us probably won't feel good to others.
Note about EI tests and forecasting feelings
Additional Notes
Emotional Awareness and Happiness
I believe emotional awareness is a key to leading a happier and more fulfilling life. To really "know oneself," as the Greek philosophers urged us to do, requires that we know how we feel in all of life's many situations. When we know how we feel we know what we enjoy doing and who we enjoy doing it with. We know who we feel safe with, who we feel accepted by and understood by.
Though we might be able to lead a productive life, even a "successful" life -- if one defines success by the level of status, education, or material worth -- it is unlikely we will actually ever be happy unless we are very aware of our specific feelings. In fact, it is quite possible to be successful and miserable, as I have written about with respect to my own life. It is easy to accept without question other people's definition of success and happiness. But when we become more aware of our own true and unique feelings we are more likely to find our own individual happiness. This may be the essence of using our emotional intelligence.
Emotional Awareness, Sensitivity and Numbing
If we are emotionally sensitive we will feel things sooner than others will. If we have no emotional sensitivity, or we have numbed ourselves from our feelings we won't have any emotional awareness at all. Sensitive people living in abusive environments and insensitive cultures learn ways to numb themselves from their feelings because so many of their feelings are painful.
Emotional Awareness and the Academic Model of Emotional Intelligence
In my adaptation of the academic model of emotional intelligence I place emotional awareness under the first branch of their framework. This first branch is emotional identification, perception and expression. Increasing your awareness of your own feelings is perhaps the first step towards furthering the development of your EI.
Note on the Mayer et al definition and on testing
I believe the ability to forecast our feelings is probably a legitimate part of emotional intelligence, but Mayer et al have not addressed this as yet. I am not certain how you would test this with a paper and pencil test, but not all aspects of emotional intelligence are suitable for such tests. As Mayer et al acknowledge there is more to emotional intelligence than can be tested. Though they don't stress this in their writing, they do say effectively the same thing when they say that "aspects of" emotional intelligence can be tested. This clearly implies that they leave open the possibility that there are also aspects of it which can never be tested in a formal, controlled fashion.
Raising awareness of, and Identifying feelings - The example of "You won't hear from me again."
To raise awareness of feelings, it helps to ask two questions when someone says something:
1) How is that person feeling?
2) How did they want the other person to feel?
Here is an exercise for practice, based on a true story in my life:
You Won't Hear From Me Again
A few days ago I wrote something in one of my online journals. I was feeling very resentful towards one particular person. I felt judged by her, disapproved of, betrayed, commanded, lectured to, misunderstood, misrepresented, lied about, persecuted, labeled, categorized, unappreciated and probably a few more things. I didn't say that so specifically though. I didn't use many feeling words. I wasn't educated or trained well enough to do that as I was growing up. In fact, I was never taught or trained at all in how to express my feelings with feeling words. I have had to teach, and try to train myself. More than that, I have had to unlearn what I was taught and conditioned to do. So at the time I was writing, I just let whatever thoughts I had flow out thru my fingertips.
The words were pretty harsh, and sometimes deliberately hurtful. Actually, though, my feelings didn't have much to do with the person I was writing about. The feelings and the words came from years and years of the pain from similar feelings. Her words just lit a fuse, but the bomb was full of negative feelings from thousands of other experiences.
Then she read what I had written and left me a note. She said, "Whatever. You won't hear from me anymore."
So now I wonder: "How did this person want me to feel?" And, "How was this person feeling?"
I have some ideas, but I am curious to know what you think. So please, send me your thoughts. Even though I felt resentful towards her I still want to help her learn about expressing feelings and about self-awareness of feelings. I'd like to help this person learn some things which they don't teach in school. I would also like to help others learn. And of course, perhaps most importantly, I would like to learn myself. I will probably post some of your responses. Let me know if you do or don't want your name to be used. Thanks.
S. HeinDec. 28, 2003HatYai,Thailand
I imagine that the person saying that felt frustrated, hurt, angry, resentful, cruel, unloved, unwanted, insulted, violated, powerless, afraid, attacked, judged, abandoned, unsafe, misunderstood, betrayed, and alone.
I imagine that that person wanted the other person to feel hurt, inferior, alone, imprisoned, abandoned, insignificant, unloved, uncared for, replaceable, dispensable, unneeded, unimportant, confused, disliked, angry, inessential, minor and useless.
Awareness, Consciousness, Power and Control
Today I had what I believe is an important insight. I realized that the person who is more aware of feelings is more in control. (Psychologically, at least.)
I came to this insight when I started thinking about a teacher at one of the schools I have been visiting fairly regularly. The last time I saw her she asked me: "Do you remember my name?"
I was not very aware of my feelings at that point, nor was I consciously aware of her feelings. I sensed that she felt hurt because I was not giving her much attention. I sensed she wanted me to feel guilty if I had forgotten her name, or even if it took me a while to remember it.
I could hear the hurt in her voice. She felt left out. I had been talking to others around her and neglecting her. She needed more attention. She is the head of a department at her school, which is probably an indication she has many unmet emotional needs. People with unmet emotional needs often seem to rise to positions of authority in an attempt to fill these needs. Actually, this person probably wanted me to feel guilty even if I had remembered her name quickly. She probably wanted me to feel guilty as soon as she asked the question, because it was her way of saying, "You are not spending enough time with me or showing me enough 'respect'."
As I reflected on the situation I regretted not saying "How would you feel if I said yes and how would you feel if I said no." Or perhaps I could have said, "How are you feeling right now?" Or, "Are you feeling a little forgotten and neglected?" I suspect she was also feeling a little envious that I was spending time talking to others in her department. Others were also inviting me to come speak to their classes and she might have felt something like jealousy. There were other signs of her feelings, such as once she said, "Sit down and talk to us." But I think she really meant, "Sit down and give me some attention and help me feel important." I suspect that having the title of head of department she expected people to show her more "respect." But I don't like to show false respect to someone just because of their position, clothes, wealth, etc.
I had a sense of how she was feeling and how she wanted me to feel when she asked the question. She wanted me to feel guilty because I had been neglecting her, in her eyes. And perhaps she felt used because she was the first person who invited me to speak to her class and I had not spent much time talking to her since then. Maybe she felt a little possessive of me in the sense that because she met me first she somehow "owned" me.
But even though I had a sense of all of this, I was not consciously aware of all of it. My feelings and my awareness of her feelings affected my response but not on a conscious level. I felt afraid of not knowing the correct answer. But I didn't say that. I simply answered her question after I thought about it for what was surely "too long." And I did not say it with confidence. It was a complicated Thai name, or at least complicated for me. As it turns out I pronounced it okay, and felt some relief when she said "Yes." But whether I answered correctly or not was not the main issue. The main issue were the feelings involved. The way she said yes, also told me she still wanted me to feel guilty and to be more careful to pay her more attention in the future. She didn't not say it with a tone of happiness that I remembered it. I felt intimidated by her, which I expect is also how she wanted me to feel, though chances are she would never admit this and probably would not even be able to understand it herself. To her it is simply a way that she has learned to try to get her needs met. But because it is so indirect, manipulative and power based, it is actually counter productive in the long run because people who have a choice will not spend time with her voluntarily.
Had I been more consciously aware of my own feelings, of her feelings and of her motives for asking me the question, I could have been much more in control of the situation. As it was, I was basically reduced to the level of one of her students, having to face a question with a "right" or "wrong" answer and then to be rewarded or punished accordingly. But even if I had the "right" answer, I was still being emotionally manipulated because the question itself was intended to do much more than gather factual information about my memory. The question was intended to remind me that she was an authority figure and that she needed more attention than I was giving her. And she wanted me to feel small in comparison to her.
By asking this question, she took a position of authority. The person who asks the questions is usually the one with the power in a relationship. It is like a lawyer or a judge. The "witness" is not allowed to ask questions. And they are forced to answer, unless they happen to live in a country where they have the "right" to remain silent. But in most authority based relationships, a person does not have the "right" to remain silent. The authority figure demands an answer or punishes the person if an answer is not provided. The person is also punished if the "correct" or desired answer is not provided.
The person who asked me this question is more emotionally needy than I am. Therefore, I could have helped fill her emotional needs by addressing them more directly. What took place was all very subtle and indirect. When things are subtle and indirect it is hard to take firm control of them because it is not very clear what is going on. I have noticed that insecure people often tend to be very indirect. They are afraid to express their feelings directly, so they say things like, "Do you remember my name?"
But had I been more consciously aware of my feelings and of her feelings and corresponding unmet emotional needs, I could have had much more control of the situation. I would not have had to leave the situation feeling small, guilty and manipulated. Because I am often more aware of feelings than other people I talk to, I can sometimes rise above the details of the situation and address the feelings. Depending on my own level of unmet emotional needs I can use this ability in different ways. If I am feeling emotionally needy I might need to feel superior to the other person by proving to them that I know more about feelings, even their feelings, than they do. This doesn't make me many friends, though!
But if I am feeling relatively emotionally satisfied, I am more likely to be able to help the other person with unmet emotional needs. To me, it is sad and discouraging that a department head would be so emotionally needy, but I am sure that you know many similar people in positions of authority.
It is very tricky to address feelings directly with these kinds of people. For example, the other day I was talking to a teenager whose mother was calling him and telling him to come home. I suggested he ask her if she was feeling afraid that something bad would happen to him if he stayed out past 8:30 at night. And I suggested he ask her how afraid she felt from 0-10. He laughed and said, "I don't think she would like that. She would probably think I was 'talking back' to her." And, sadly, he is probably right. She would feel threatened precisely because his questions would give him more control and she is afraid of losing control. So these things must be handled very carefully when you are around certain people. You can't come across as "cocky" because they will punish you in one way or another. I am fortunate that I have my freedom so I can just leave and not be around people like this, but if you don't have that freedom, or you have not yet given yourself that freedom, then I might just suggest you try to be aware of feelings but not necessarily address them so directly.
A person who is very aware and can process emotional information very quickly might say something like, "It sounds like you want me to feel guilty because you feel neglected and forgotten." But it might be better if they said this silently to themselves rather than out loud!
Saying this to yourself still has a definite benefit. By identifying the feelings and the motives of the other person, you feel more in control of the situation. You feel more in control because you have more information about it and you understand it better. So you are not as easily manipulated and you are not as likely to just respond in the way that you were conditioned to respond by teachers like this when you were young. By being aware of what is happening you give yourself more options. You might realize you don't have to answer the question at all.
Most of my life I have been very naive, trusting, and honest. And I have been fairly obedient until someone starts to abuse their power. If someone asks me a question, I usually just answer it without analyzing it. But I have learned that people like this teacher will abuse their power, so I must become more aware of what is happening. I must be more aware of how I am feeling so I can protect myself. I could also have said, "I am afraid to answer that question!" This would have been very emotionally honest. Most likely she would have said something invalidating like, "You shouldn't be afraid. There is nothing to be afraid of. I won't hurt you." Then if I were feeling very confident and secure I might say in response, "Well, I am still afraid!" It would probably be counter productive to tell a person like this "I feel invalidated." Even if she knew what that meant, it would probably just make her feel more defensive. It would be a self-protective mechanism on my part, but it would not be a relationship building response.
So those are a few of my thoughts on awareness, consciousness, power and control.
S. HeinJan 13, 2004HatYai, Thailand
Developing Emotional Intelligence
Developing Emotional Intelligence
The Top Ten Suggestions
Developing your EQ -- Summary and Suggestions
Top Ten Suggestions
1. Become emotionally literate. Label your feelings, rather than labeling people or situations.
"I feel impatient." vs "This is ridiculous." I feel hurt and bitter". vs. "You are an insensitive jerk."
"I feel afraid." vs. "You are driving like a idiot."
2. Distinguish between thoughts and feelings.
Thoughts: I feel like...& I feel as if.... & I feel that
Feelings: I feel: (feeling word)
3. Take more responsibility for your feelings.
"I feel jealous." vs. "You are making me jealous."
4. Use your feelings to help them make decisions.
"How will I feel if I do this?" "How will I feel if I don't"
5. Show respect for other people's feelings.
Ask "How will you feel if I do this?" "How will you feel if I don't."
6. Feel energized, not angry.
Use what others call "anger" to help feel energized to take productive action.
7. Validate other people's feelings.
Show empathy, understanding, and acceptance of other people's feelings.
8. Practice getting a positive value from emotions.
Ask yourself: "How do I feel?" and "What would help me feel better?"
Ask others "How do you feel?" and "What would help you feel better?"
9. Don't advise, command, control, criticize, judge or lecture to others.
Instead, try to just listen with empathy and non-judgment.
10. Avoid people who invalidate you.
While this is not always possible, at least try to spend less time with them, or try not to let them have psychological power over you.
* First, thanks to Stephen Covey for the title idea. Second, these 10 habits are based on a mixture of my defintion of EQ and the more academic definition of emotional intelligence offered by John Mayer and his research colleagues.
Developing Your EQ - Summary and Suggestions
Use three word sentences beginning with "I feel"
Start labeling feelings; stop labeling people & situations
Analyze your own feelings rather than the action or motives of other people
Ask others how they feel -- on scale of 0-10
Make time to reflect on your feelings
Identify your fears and desires
Identify your UEN's (Unmet Emotional Needs)
Take responsibility for your emotions & happiness; Stop believing others cause your feelings; Don't expect others to "make" you happy
Express your feelings - find out who cares - spend time with them
Develop the courage to follow your own feelings
www.eqi.org
On Decision Making:
Ask: how will I feel if I do... if I don't
Ask: how do you feel & what would help you feel better (that is in your control)?
Your "negative" feelings are expressions of your unmet emotional needs (UEN's)
Each negative feeling has a positive value
Awareness of your feelings is the key to self-knowledge. Self-knowledge is the key to self-improvement.
All actions are motivated by feelings. Emotions put us in motion. We can always choose how we respond to an emotion. We are always in control. Feeling in control is empowering. Taking responsibility for our happiness is empowering.
On Managing Your Negative Feelings
Ask: why does it bother me? What are my beliefs? Are some of my beliefs dysfunctional to me? What are my needs? How can I meet them by myself? (Remember AR3, and reframe the situation as a growth opportunity; change addictive demands to preferences)
On Relationships:
Happiness is not just something you get out of a relationship, but also something you bring in.
Express your feelings. (First you must know them)
See who cares - allocate your time accordingly
Remember seek volunteers, not hostages
Mutual respect of feelings
Avoid toxic people (invalidating, defensive, disrespecting, insecure, negative)
Some "Feeling Words"
accepted, rejected, abandoned, left out, criticized, lectured to, preached to, judged, discriminated against, mocked, appreciated, unappreciated, supported, unsupported, uncomfortable, optimistic, pessimistic, hopeless, discouraged, encouraged, afraid, respected, disrespected, motivated, unmotivated, free, controlled, obligated, burdened, needy, in control, out of control, validated, invalidated, competent, incompetent, jealous, sad, lonely, ignored, important, unimportant, proud, confident, worthy, deserving, unworthy, undeserving, excited, fulfilled, rewarded
The Top Ten Suggestions
Developing your EQ -- Summary and Suggestions
Top Ten Suggestions
1. Become emotionally literate. Label your feelings, rather than labeling people or situations.
"I feel impatient." vs "This is ridiculous." I feel hurt and bitter". vs. "You are an insensitive jerk."
"I feel afraid." vs. "You are driving like a idiot."
2. Distinguish between thoughts and feelings.
Thoughts: I feel like...& I feel as if.... & I feel that
Feelings: I feel: (feeling word)
3. Take more responsibility for your feelings.
"I feel jealous." vs. "You are making me jealous."
4. Use your feelings to help them make decisions.
"How will I feel if I do this?" "How will I feel if I don't"
5. Show respect for other people's feelings.
Ask "How will you feel if I do this?" "How will you feel if I don't."
6. Feel energized, not angry.
Use what others call "anger" to help feel energized to take productive action.
7. Validate other people's feelings.
Show empathy, understanding, and acceptance of other people's feelings.
8. Practice getting a positive value from emotions.
Ask yourself: "How do I feel?" and "What would help me feel better?"
Ask others "How do you feel?" and "What would help you feel better?"
9. Don't advise, command, control, criticize, judge or lecture to others.
Instead, try to just listen with empathy and non-judgment.
10. Avoid people who invalidate you.
While this is not always possible, at least try to spend less time with them, or try not to let them have psychological power over you.
* First, thanks to Stephen Covey for the title idea. Second, these 10 habits are based on a mixture of my defintion of EQ and the more academic definition of emotional intelligence offered by John Mayer and his research colleagues.
Developing Your EQ - Summary and Suggestions
Use three word sentences beginning with "I feel"
Start labeling feelings; stop labeling people & situations
Analyze your own feelings rather than the action or motives of other people
Ask others how they feel -- on scale of 0-10
Make time to reflect on your feelings
Identify your fears and desires
Identify your UEN's (Unmet Emotional Needs)
Take responsibility for your emotions & happiness; Stop believing others cause your feelings; Don't expect others to "make" you happy
Express your feelings - find out who cares - spend time with them
Develop the courage to follow your own feelings
www.eqi.org
On Decision Making:
Ask: how will I feel if I do... if I don't
Ask: how do you feel & what would help you feel better (that is in your control)?
Your "negative" feelings are expressions of your unmet emotional needs (UEN's)
Each negative feeling has a positive value
Awareness of your feelings is the key to self-knowledge. Self-knowledge is the key to self-improvement.
All actions are motivated by feelings. Emotions put us in motion. We can always choose how we respond to an emotion. We are always in control. Feeling in control is empowering. Taking responsibility for our happiness is empowering.
On Managing Your Negative Feelings
Ask: why does it bother me? What are my beliefs? Are some of my beliefs dysfunctional to me? What are my needs? How can I meet them by myself? (Remember AR3, and reframe the situation as a growth opportunity; change addictive demands to preferences)
On Relationships:
Happiness is not just something you get out of a relationship, but also something you bring in.
Express your feelings. (First you must know them)
See who cares - allocate your time accordingly
Remember seek volunteers, not hostages
Mutual respect of feelings
Avoid toxic people (invalidating, defensive, disrespecting, insecure, negative)
Some "Feeling Words"
accepted, rejected, abandoned, left out, criticized, lectured to, preached to, judged, discriminated against, mocked, appreciated, unappreciated, supported, unsupported, uncomfortable, optimistic, pessimistic, hopeless, discouraged, encouraged, afraid, respected, disrespected, motivated, unmotivated, free, controlled, obligated, burdened, needy, in control, out of control, validated, invalidated, competent, incompetent, jealous, sad, lonely, ignored, important, unimportant, proud, confident, worthy, deserving, unworthy, undeserving, excited, fulfilled, rewarded
War is Not Emotionally Intelligent
War is Not Emotionally Intelligent
Jack Mayer is one of the leading researchers in emotional intelligence. In fact, it might be fair to say he is the leading EI researcher in the world, if we had to choose just one person.
Although I don't agree with everything Jack says, I have high level of respect for him and I give serious thought to everything he writes about EI.
On thing Jack says is that he and his colleagues believe that a person who is emotionally intelligent has good relations with others. If we assume this is true, then we could say that killing others is an extreme example of what is not emotionally intelligent. So we could then say that war is not emotionally intelligent.
One of the things which bothers me about many people who claim to be experts on EI is that they have not taken a strong position on this topic of making wars. I was born and raised in the USA and it hurts me deeply to see that the current American government policy is to make the world safe by killing people.
Many EI consultants in the USA, England, Canada, Australia etc. seem to completely avoid this topic and prefer to go on with business as usual. My own feelings, however, don't allow me to do this.
To my knowledge, Jack Mayer, for example, has never made any public comments about war. If you know of any EI consultants who are publicly opposed to war and would be interested in organizing a campaign to spread the message that "War is not emotionally intelligent", please let me know. Or if you would like to add your name to a public declaration of this which I will put on my website, please also write me.
Steve HeinJune 2, 2006
--
By the way when I searched Google for "War is not emotionally intelligent" I found no results. It is sad that so many people are writing about EI around the world, but no one has thought of writing those words.
Jack Mayer is one of the leading researchers in emotional intelligence. In fact, it might be fair to say he is the leading EI researcher in the world, if we had to choose just one person.
Although I don't agree with everything Jack says, I have high level of respect for him and I give serious thought to everything he writes about EI.
On thing Jack says is that he and his colleagues believe that a person who is emotionally intelligent has good relations with others. If we assume this is true, then we could say that killing others is an extreme example of what is not emotionally intelligent. So we could then say that war is not emotionally intelligent.
One of the things which bothers me about many people who claim to be experts on EI is that they have not taken a strong position on this topic of making wars. I was born and raised in the USA and it hurts me deeply to see that the current American government policy is to make the world safe by killing people.
Many EI consultants in the USA, England, Canada, Australia etc. seem to completely avoid this topic and prefer to go on with business as usual. My own feelings, however, don't allow me to do this.
To my knowledge, Jack Mayer, for example, has never made any public comments about war. If you know of any EI consultants who are publicly opposed to war and would be interested in organizing a campaign to spread the message that "War is not emotionally intelligent", please let me know. Or if you would like to add your name to a public declaration of this which I will put on my website, please also write me.
Steve HeinJune 2, 2006
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By the way when I searched Google for "War is not emotionally intelligent" I found no results. It is sad that so many people are writing about EI around the world, but no one has thought of writing those words.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
تاثیر هوش عاطفی بر اثر بخشی سازمانی
تاثير هوش عاطفي بر اثربخشي مديران
دكترمحمد علي مومنی
دكترمحمد علي مومنی
چكيده
بسياري از مديران تمايل دارند سختگير باشند و قادر نيستند رابطه خوبي با كاركنان برقرار سازند. آنها نمي توانند در محيط كسب و كار، فرهنگ سازماني، فرايند كاري و فناوري تغيير ايجاد كنند. اين مديران به رغم داشتن دانش فني خوب، نمي توانند مديران موفقي باشند. مديران اثربخش مديراني هستند كه به خوبي از قابليتهاي عاطفي خود بهره مي گيرند و رابطه اثربخش و سازنده برقرار مي كنند. در واقع، مديران موفق تأكيد بر ارتقاي هوش عاطفي و پرورش قابليتهاي عاطفي دارند. اين مهم نشان دهنده اهميت هوش عاطفي و كاربرد آن در سازمانهاست.
مقدمه هر مدير بايد بتواند از طريق افراد به اهداف سازماني برسد. سالهاست به مديران مي آموزند كه توانايي آنها براي دستيابي به اهداف، رابطه مستقيم با توانايي آنها با برانگيختن افراد اطراف خود دارد. اين امر امروزه اهميت بيشتري يافته است زيرا مسائل انساني، ارتباطات و روابط بين مدير و کارکنان افزايش يافته است. به ويژه آنكه کارهاي فردي روبه کاهش و اهميت کارهاي تيمي و گروهي روبه افزايش است. اين مهم شکل دهنده رويکرد مديريت جديد است که اهميت آن روز به روز آشکارتر مي شود (ميلر، 1999، ص1).در رويکرد جديد مديريت فرهنگ سازماني، كارتيمي و نحوة همكاري مدير با ديگران اهميت خاصي دارد. در واقع تمرکز اصلي بر رشد وپرورش افراد است تا از اين رو بهره وري سازمان نيز افزايش يابد (همان منبع، ص1). از اين رو، مديراني مدنظر سازمانها هستند که از توانمنديهاي اجتماعي و مهارتهاي ارتباطات برخوردار باشند، شنونده و سخنگوي خوبي باشند و با درك احساسات خود و ديگران و در بيان و انتقال احساسات به خوبي عمل كنند و در يک جمله آنها بتوانند محيطي با نشاط ايجاد كنند که درآن افراد رشد يابند. رويکرد مديريتي جــديد اين مديران را مديراني اثربخش و موفق مي داند.پيام اين مقاله آن است که مديران اثربخش و موفق به قابليتهاي عاطفي توجه فراوان دارند ودر ارتباطات خود به خوبي مي توانند عواطف و احساسات ديگران را درک کنند و متناسب با آن عکس العمل نشان دهند و دريک کلام از هوش عاطفي بالايي برخوردارند.در اين مقاله مبــاحث به دو قسمت تقسيم مي شوند. نخست مباحث مربوط به هوش عاطفي و سپس تفاوت آن با هوش عقلي عنوان مي شود و بعداً رابطة اثربخشي و موفقيت مديران باهوش عاطفي بررسي مي شود.
بخش اول: هوش عاطفيصاحب نظران، هوش عاطفي را با توجه به ويژگيها و کارکردهاي آن به صورت زير تعريف کرده اند: ! دانيل گولمن: هوش عاطفي مهارتي است که دارنده آن ميتواند از طريق خودآگاهي، روحيات خود را کنترل کند، از طريق خود مديريتي آن را بهبود بخشد، از طريق همدلي، تاثير آنها را درک کند و از طريق مديريت روابط، به شيوهاي رفتار کند که روحيه خود و ديگران را بالا ببرد (دوستار ، 1382، ص54).! جان ماير و پيتر سالوي: هوش عاطفي توانايي ارزيابي، بيان و تنظيم عاطفه خود و ديگران و استفاده کارآمد از آن است (دوستار، 1382، ص54).! «بار- آن» : هوش عاطفي تواناييهاي يك شخص در مواجهه با چالشهاي محيطي است و موفقيتهاي فرد را در زندگي پيش بيني مي كند (وثوقي کيا ،1383، ص2). بنابراين، هوش عاطفي را مي توان به كارگيري قابليتهاي عاطفي خود و ديگران، در رفتار فردي و گروهي براي کسب حداکثر نتايج، تعريف كرد.تاريخچه: مبحث هوش عاطفي به سال 1985 بر مي گردد كه يك دانشجوي مقطع دكتري رشته هنر در يکي از دانشگاههاي آمريکا پايان نامه اي را به اتمام رسانيد که در آن هوش عاطفي ( هوش هيجاني) را مطالعه کرده بود. سپس در سال 1990 دو استاد دانشگاه در آمريكا «جان ماير» و« پيتر سالوي» دو مقاله در مورد هوش عاطفي نوشتند و پژوهشهاي خود را در اين رابطه آغاز كردند. اين دو استاد دريافتند كه برخي از افراد در شناخت احساسات خود و ديگران و حل مشكلات احساسي و عاطفي توانمند تر هستند (هين ، 2004، ص2). آنان نقل مي كنند كه نظريه آنها در مورد هوش عاطفي، عامل انگيزه گولمن براي نوشتن كتاب پر فروش خود به نام «هوش عاطفي» در سال 1995 گرديد (هين، 2004، ص2).«گولمن» در كتاب خود به نام «كار با هوش عاطفي» ( 1998) بر نياز به هوش عاطفي در محيط كار - محيطي كه اغلب به عقل توجه مي شود تا قلب و احساسات- تمركز مي كند. او معتقد است نه تنها مديران و رؤساي شركتها نيازمند هوش عاطفي هستند، بلكه هر كسي كه در سازمان كار مي كند نيازمند هوش عاطفي است(مُرِي، 1998، ص2). اما هرچه در سازمان به سمت سطوح بالاتر مي رويم، اهميت هوش عاطفي در مقايسه با هوش عقلي افزايش مي يابد. به همين علت هوش عاطفي از اهميت زيادي براي يك رهبر برخوردار است (گولمن و همکاران، 2001، ص 47).ابعاد هوش عاطفي: «ماير» و «سالوي» و «ديويد كارسو»، «دانيل گولمن» و «بار- آن» به تحقيق در مورد هوش عاطفي پرداخته اند. اين نظريه پردازان چند طبقه بندي ابعاد هوش عاطفي را معرفي كرده اند: ! «ماير» و «سالوي» و همكار جديد آنها «ديويد كارسو»، هوش عاطفي (هيجاني) را به چهار عامل تقسيم مي كنند. -1 برداشت و اظهار هيجاني: بازشناسي و وارد كردن اطلاعات كلامي و غير كلامي از سيستم هيجاني؛ -2 تسهيل تفكر به وسيله هيجان (استفاده از هوش هيجاني): به كار گيري هيجانها به عنوان قسمتي از جريان شناختي مانند خلاقيت و حل مسئله؛ -3 فهم يا درك هيجاني: پردازش شناختي هيجان كه شامل بصيرت و معلومات به دست آمده در مورد احساسات خود يا احساسات ديگران است؛ -4 مديريت يا تنظيم هيجاني: مديريت هيجانها در خود و افراد ديگر (اکبرزاده، 1383، ص 15).از نظر آنان مهمترين جزء تشكيل دهنده هوش هيجاني عبارت است از: توانايي ارزيابي و بيان صحيح هيجانها، توانايي تشخيص هيجانها در خود و توانايي اظهار و بيان احساسات خود (همان منبع، ص 108). ! دانيل گولمن هوش عاطفي را در قالب چهار عنصر زير تعريف مي كند:-1 خود آگاهي: آيا مدير مي تواند به طور صحيح احساسات خود را هر زمان که بروز مي کند تشخيص دهد؟ مثل خود آگاهي عاطفي، خود آگاهي صحيح از خود، اعتماد به خود.-2 خود مديريتي: آيا مدير مي تواند احساسات خود را به سمت نتايج مثبت مديريت كرد؟ همانند:خود كنترلي عاطفي، وظيفه شناسي يا وجدان كاري، سازگاري، انگيزه توفيق طلبي، ابتكار عمل.-3 آگاهي اجتماعي: آيا مدير مي تواند به طور صحيح احساسات ديگران را هنگام رودررويي با آنها يا در حين کار با آنها تشخيص دهد؟ عينيت آن به صورت همدلي، خدمت محوري و آگاهي سازماني است.-4 مديريت روابط (مهارتهاي اجتماعي): آيا مدير مي تواند رابطه خود با ديگران را به طور موثروسازنده اي مديريت كند و به سمت نتايج مثبت هدايت کند؟ همانند: پرورش ديگران، نفوذ، ارتباطات، مديريت تعارض، تصوير سازي، تحليل تغيير، همكاري و كار تيمي (گريوز و بردبري ، 2003 ، ص2). اين ابعاد در شكل شماره يك نشان داده مي شود (شكل 1).! «بار- آن» هوش عاطفي را در قالب رفتار هوشمندانه و اجتماعي به پنج مؤلفه زير تقسيم مي كند:-1 خوش بيني: توانايي مثبت ديدن مسائل زندگي و توجه به آنها؛-2 خود دستيابي: توانمندي دستيابي و توفيق به اهداف واستعدادهاي نهفته؛-3 خرسندي: توانايي احساس خرسندي از خود، ديگران وزندگي؛-4 استقلال: توانايي مستقل بودن و عدم وابستگي احساسي به ديگران؛-5 مسئوليت پذيري اجتماعي: توانايي احساس يکي شدن با گروه اجتماعي (کياروچي، فورگاس و ماير، 2001، ص 88 ).تا كنون بيش از 60 نوع تست هوش عاطفي ارائه شده است، اما 3 پرسشنامه زير مفيدتر هستند که محققان مربوط معرفي كرده اند:
-1 پرسشنامه سنجش هوش عاطفي (بار- آن)؛ -2 تست هوش عاطفي ( ماير، سالوي و كارسو)؛-3 پرسشنامه قابليتهاي عاطفي (گولمن).گولمن و همکاران وي در مؤسسه تحقيقاتي «هي گروپ» پرسشنامه قابليتهاي عاطفي را به منظور بررسي هوش عاطفي کارکنان ومخصوصأ مديران در سازمانها تهيه كرده اند. اکنون اين پرسشنامه يکي از سه پرسشنامه برترسنجش هوش عاطفي در سطح محافل علمي و بين المللي است.
هوش عاطفي و هوش عقليهوش عاطفي و بهره هوشي ضد يکديگر نيستند، بلکه با هم تفاوت دارند. علي رغم عقيده رايج، افرادي که داراي بهره هوشي بالا و هشياري عاطفي بسيار ضعيف (يا برعکس) باشند، نسبتا نادرند. «جک بلوک»، روان شناس دانشگاه کاليفرنيا در دانشگاه برکلي، با استفاده از معياري که کاملا شبيه بهره هوشي و شامل قابليتهاي اساسي عاطفي و اجتماعي است، به مقايسه افرادي که بهره هوشي بالايي دارند و افرادي که داراي استعدادهاي عاطفي قوي هستند، پرداخته و تفاوتهاي آنان را مورد بررسي قرار داده است ( گولمن، به نقل از دوستار،1382، ص54). فردي که فقط از نظر بهره هوشي (IQ) در سطح بالا، ولي فاقد هشياري عاطفي است، تقريبا کاريکاتوري از يک آدم خردمند است، در قلمرو ذهن چيره دست است، ولي در دنياي شخصي خويش ضعيف. افرادي که از هوش عاطفي قوي برخوردارند، از نظر اجتماعي متعادل، شاد و سر زندهاند و هيچ گرايشي به ترس يا نگراني ندارند و احساسات خود را به طور مستقيم بيان کرده و راجع به خود مثبت فکر ميکنند. آنان ظرفيت چشمگيري براي تعهد، پذيرش مسئوليت و قبول چارچوب اخلاقي دارند و در رابطه خود با ديگران بسيار دلسوز و با ملاحظهاند و از زندگي عاطفي غني، سرشار و مناسبي برخوردارند. آنان همچنين با خود، بسيار راحت برخورد ميکنند (دوستار، 1382، ص54).«ثرندايک» روان شناسي که به خاطر ترويج مفهوم بهره هوشي در دهه هاي 1920 و 1930 معروف است، معتقد است، «هوشياري اجتماعي يا توانايي درک ديگران و رفتار معقولانه در روابط انساني (به عنوان يکي از ابعاد هوش عاطفي) خود يکي از جنبههاي بهره هوشي افراد محسوب ميشود» (گولمن، به نقل از دوستار، 1382، ص55).«گولمن» در كتاب موفق خود با عنوان هوش عاطفي (1995) از كشفيات جديدي سخن مي گويد كه هوش عاطفي بسيار موثرتر از هوش عقلي است؛ او در كتابش از تستي سخن مي گويد كه حدود 30 سال پيش انجام شده است. در اين تحقيق كودكان 4 ساله را جداگانه به دانشگاه استانفورد به اتاقي مي آوردند؛ در آنجا فرد مهرباني بود كه به آنها شكلات مي داد و مي گفت كه آنها مي توانند شكلات را همان لحظه بخورند يا اينكه صبر كنند تا او بر گردد و در آن صورت دو برابر شكلات بخورند. در فيلمي كه از كودكان گرفته شد آنها را مدتي كه تنها بودند نشان مي داد. برخي از آنها براي اينكه شكلات خوشمزه را نخورند خود را سرگرم كارهاي ديگر مثل آواز خواندن و بستن چشمهايشان مي كردند. حدود يك سوم بچه ها لحظه اي كه مرد اتاق را ترك مي كند سريع شكلات را مي خورند. دو دهه ديگر دوباره همان كودكان كه حالا ديگر بزرگ شده اند دوباره جمع مي شوند و از آنها مجددا تست گرفته مي شود. تفاوتهاي اجتماعي و احساسي دو گروهي كه سريع شكلات را خوردند و گروهي كه براي دومين شكلات صــبر كردند بسيار تعجب آور بود. گروه دوم قابليت اجتماعي بيشتري نسبت به گروه اول داشتند، آنها بسيار كمتر دچار خشم، ترس و استرس مي شدند و هنگام فشار بر آنها دچار بي نظمي و اغتشاش ذهني نمي شدند. به استقبال چالشها و مشكلات مي رفتند و اعتماد به نفس داشتند، قابل اعتماد بودند، اما آنهايي كه شكلات را سريع خوردند از مشكلات زندگي دوري ميكردند، در برابر حوادث به راحتي متاثر و ناراحت مي شدند، خود را كم ارزش مي دانستند. بنا به اعتقاد «گولمن» تمام اين وقايع به دليل تصميم گيري در بخش احساسي مغز افراد است. در واقع، «گولمن» از اين تست، قدرت تشخيص را عنوان مي كند.بنابراين، فردي که قابليتهاي عاطفي بالايي دارد از بخش احساسي مغز خود به خوبي بهــره مي گيرد در مقايسه با فردي که هوش عقلي در سطح مشابه او دارد اما فاقد هوشياري لازم عاطفي است در زندگي و ارتباطات خود موفق تر عمل مي كند، در مقابل استرس و مشکلات مقاوم است و ذهني پويا در برابر چالشها دارد. اين امر اهميت هوش عاطفي را در مقايسه با هوش عقلي نشان مي دهد.
مقايسه هوش عاطفي و عقليبهترين حوزه مناسب براي مقايسه هوش عاطفي و هوش عقلي محيط کار است زيرا فرد در محيط کارخود علاوه برتوانمنديهاي علمي( كه از هوش عقلي نتيجه مي شود) از قابليتهاي عاطفي خود نيز استفاده مي كند. از اين رو، در حوزه توسعه منابع انساني در سازمانها مفهوم هوش عاطفي به كار گرفته شده است تا به مهارتهاي عاطفي، علاوه بر قابليتهاي تخصصي، توجه شود.بر اساس تحقيقات، هوش عقلي حداكثر 10 درصد بر عملكرد و موفقيت تأثيردارد (مخصوصا در حوزه مديريت)؛ البته تحقيقات «رابرت امرلينگ» و «دانيل گولمن» (2003) بيان مي كنند كه هوش عقلي نسبت به هوش عاطفي پيشگوي بهتري براي كار و عملكرد علمي فرد است. اما زماني كه اين سوال مطرح مي شود «آيا فرد مي تواند در كار خود بهترين باشد و يا مديري لايق باشد؟» در اينجا هوش عاطفي معيار بهتري است، هوش عقلي احتمالاً براي به دست آوردن اين جواب كارايي كمتري دارد. «گولمن» نيز در كتاب جديد خود به نام (كار با هوش عاطفي ، 1998) بر نياز به هوش عاطفي در محيط كار، يعني محيطي كه اغلب به عقل توجه مي شود تا قلب و احساسات، تمركز مي كند. او معتقد است نه تنها مديران و رؤساي شركتها نيازمند هوش عاطفي هستند، بلكه هر كسي كه در سازمان كار مي كند نيازمند هوش عاطفي است(مْرِي، 1998، ص2).اما هرچه درسازمان به سمت سطوح بالاتر مي رويم اهميت هوش عاطفي در مقايسه با هوش عقلي افزايش مييابد. دراين زمينه «گولمن» و همکاران او معتقدند که هوش عاطفي در تمامي رده هاي سازماني کاربرد زيادي دارد، اما در رده هاي مديريتي اهميتي حياتي مي يابد. آنان مدعي هستند هوش عاطفي تا حدود 58 درصد بهترينها را در موقعيت رهبري ارشد از ضعيفترينها جدا مي سازد و مشخص مي كند. زيرا شرايطي كه در رأس سلسله مراتب سازماني به وجود مي آيند، سريعتر گسترش مي يابند، چرا كه هر كسي به مدير و فرد بالا دست خود نگاه مي كند. افراد زير دست رفتارهاي عاطفي خود را از مديران مي آموزند. حتي هنگامي كه مدير را نمي توان زياد رويت كرد (مثل مديري كه در پشت درهاي بسته در طبقات بالاتر كار مي كند) نگرش او بر حالات زير دستانش تاثير مي گذارد. به همين علت است كه هوش عاطفي از اهميت زيادي براي يك رهبر برخوردار است (گولمن و همکاران، 2001، ص 47).بنابراين، اين مهم بايد مدنظر قرارگيرد که در سازمانها هوش عقلي تنها ابزار مقايسه افراد نيست، چرا که در محيطهايي که انسانها فعاليت دارند قابليتهاي عاطفي، درک افراد از احساسات خود و ديگران و توانمنديهاي آنان در ارتباطات عوامل مهمي هستند که بايد مدنظر قرار گيرد. دراين بين ارتباطات از اهميت ويژه اي برخورداراست زيرا توانمنديهاي اجتماعي بخش مهم هوش عاطفي و درواقع عينيت بخش هوش عاطفي است.رابطه هوش عاطفي و اثربخشي مديران: برخي از مديران به خاطر رابطه ضعيف خود با ديگران قادر نيستند بازخورد دريافت كنند و به بازخوردها پاسخ درست بدهند. مديران اثربخش و موفق تقريبا در تمام جنبه ها با اين مديران متفاوت هستند. آنان نقش رهبر را ايفا مي كنند، بنا به نظر «گولمن» رهبر قوي و موثر، كسي است كه الهام بخش است، انگيزه ايجاد مي كند و تعهد به وجود ميآورد، قابليتهاي هوش عاطفي خود را به طور پيوسته تقويت مي كند و با توجه به نياز، سبكهاي رهبري خود را تغيير مي دهد (ديربورن، 2002، ص1). مديران موفق برانگيزاننده هاي خوبي هستند. در يك كلام، مديران موفق تأكيد بر ارتقاي هوش عاطفي و پرورش قابليتهاي عاطفي دارند (ميلر، 1999، ص2).
نتيجه گيريدر واقع، تفاوت مدير اثربخش ونا موفق در ارتباطات آنها تجلي مي يابد. مديران اثربخش با هوش عاطفي بالاي خود در ارتباطات بسيار موفق تر از ديگر مديران عمل مي كنند و اين امر را به خوبي به اثبات ميرسانند که مديري که هوش عقلي (IQ) بالايي دارد، نمي تواند تنها با اتکا بر هوش عقلي خوب خود رهبري كند؛ بلکه مديري اثربخش است که شنونده و سخنگوي خوبي باشد، رابطه پايدار و مثبت با ديگران برقرار سازد (گولمن، به نقل از وثوقي کيا ، 1383، ص2). احساسات خود و ديگران را به خوبي درک كند و در ارتباطات خود به درستي عکس العمل نشان دهد.بنابراين، مي توان اين مهم را اين چنين بيان كرد که مدير اثر بخش قابليت عاطفي بالايي دارد و در تصميمگيري بر عناصر عاطفي تاكيد مي كند. او به خوبي مي داند زماني رهبري اثربخش است که به کارکنان خود به عنوان يک انسان توجه كند و همواره با برقراري رابطه اثربخش و سازنده، در صدد رشد و پرورش كاركنان خود برآيد.
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