Developing Emotional Intelligence

Developing Emotional Intelligence

The Top Ten Suggestions
Developing your EQ -- Summary and Suggestions



Top Ten Suggestions

1. Become emotionally literate. Label your feelings, rather than labeling people or situations.
"I feel impatient." vs "This is ridiculous." I feel hurt and bitter". vs. "You are an insensitive jerk."
"I feel afraid." vs. "You are driving like a idiot."
2. Distinguish between thoughts and feelings.
Thoughts: I feel like...& I feel as if.... & I feel that
Feelings: I feel: (feeling word)
3. Take more responsibility for your feelings.
"I feel jealous." vs. "You are making me jealous."
4. Use your feelings to help them make decisions.
"How will I feel if I do this?" "How will I feel if I don't"
5. Show respect for other people's feelings.
Ask "How will you feel if I do this?" "How will you feel if I don't."
6. Feel energized, not angry.
Use what others call "anger" to help feel energized to take productive action.
7. Validate other people's feelings.
Show empathy, understanding, and acceptance of other people's feelings.
8. Practice getting a positive value from emotions.
Ask yourself: "How do I feel?" and "What would help me feel better?"
Ask others "How do you feel?" and "What would help you feel better?"
9. Don't advise, command, control, criticize, judge or lecture to others.
Instead, try to just listen with empathy and non-judgment.
10. Avoid people who invalidate you.
While this is not always possible, at least try to spend less time with them, or try not to let them have psychological power over you.
* First, thanks to Stephen Covey for the title idea. Second, these 10 habits are based on a mixture of my defintion of EQ and the more academic definition of emotional intelligence offered by John Mayer and his research colleagues.



Developing Your EQ - Summary and Suggestions

Use three word sentences beginning with "I feel"
Start labeling feelings; stop labeling people & situations
Analyze your own feelings rather than the action or motives of other people
Ask others how they feel -- on scale of 0-10
Make time to reflect on your feelings
Identify your fears and desires
Identify your UEN's (Unmet Emotional Needs)
Take responsibility for your emotions & happiness; Stop believing others cause your feelings; Don't expect others to "make" you happy
Express your feelings - find out who cares - spend time with them
Develop the courage to follow your own feelings

www.eqi.org





On Decision Making:
Ask: how will I feel if I do... if I don't
Ask: how do you feel & what would help you feel better (that is in your control)?


Your "negative" feelings are expressions of your unmet emotional needs (UEN's)
Each negative feeling has a positive value
Awareness of your feelings is the key to self-knowledge. Self-knowledge is the key to self-improvement.


All actions are motivated by feelings. Emotions put us in motion. We can always choose how we respond to an emotion. We are always in control. Feeling in control is empowering. Taking responsibility for our happiness is empowering.
On Managing Your Negative Feelings
Ask: why does it bother me? What are my beliefs? Are some of my beliefs dysfunctional to me? What are my needs? How can I meet them by myself? (Remember AR3, and reframe the situation as a growth opportunity; change addictive demands to preferences)
On Relationships:
Happiness is not just something you get out of a relationship, but also something you bring in.
Express your feelings. (First you must know them)
See who cares - allocate your time accordingly
Remember seek volunteers, not hostages
Mutual respect of feelings
Avoid toxic people (invalidating, defensive, disrespecting, insecure, negative)
Some "Feeling Words"
accepted, rejected, abandoned, left out, criticized, lectured to, preached to, judged, discriminated against, mocked, appreciated, unappreciated, supported, unsupported, uncomfortable, optimistic, pessimistic, hopeless, discouraged, encouraged, afraid, respected, disrespected, motivated, unmotivated, free, controlled, obligated, burdened, needy, in control, out of control, validated, invalidated, competent, incompetent, jealous, sad, lonely, ignored, important, unimportant, proud, confident, worthy, deserving, unworthy, undeserving, excited, fulfilled, rewarded